


i’ve been looking for so long (and i’ve found you)

by LightningMcGay



Category: haikyuu
Genre: Asexual Kuroo Tetsurou, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Kozume Kenma, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-02-10 08:04:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18656341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightningMcGay/pseuds/LightningMcGay
Summary: tetsu was fifteen when he thought he was incapable of love.





	i’ve been looking for so long (and i’ve found you)

* * *

 

love is a feeling, he had thought a long time ago, his mind still immersed in fairy tales, fictional love stories, and happy endings. 

 

people described it as their stomachs flipping upside down, stuttering to find even the simplest words, their brains shutting down merely by feeling love.

 

when he was younger, his father used to tell him about how he fell in love with tetsu’s mother. how he felt like he was on top of the world every time he was with her, how she made him nervous and his palms sweaty, how she made sense when everything around him was falling apart.

 

tetsu had wondered if he’d ever feel that kind of love. 

 

later, as he saw his parents, screaming, fighting, their eyes devoid of any emotion left between them, he wondered how two people who had loved each other end up like this.

 

wasn’t love the strongest thing in the world? wasn’t it the healer, the saviour? 

 

he had asked his grandmother that. she had looked at him for a long time, expression a mix of desperation and hopelessness. 

 

he hadn’t understood what that had meant then.

 

at twelve, when he stood at her funeral, trembling, he wished he had asked her what love was.

 

* * *

 

tetsu was fifteen when he thought he was incapable of love. 

 

not just the ‘this person was kind to me for 3 seconds and now i’m in love with them’, or the hormonal way that everyone seemed to be talking about. 

 

no, tetsu was unable to bring himself to care for even his family. 

 

exhaustion seemed to rest deep in his bones, all he wanted was to sleep. his grandpa asked him relentlessly about the circles that kept coming under his eyes day by day. he was weary, lost, lonely, he was barely a child. 

 

it was horrifying to think what depression had done to someone so full of life.

 

the things that made him excited were worth nothing. volleyball became another task, homework felt like the worst thing, even kenma’s offers of video games didn’t seem to affect him anymore. 

 

his soft i love you’s made him feel disgusted by himself, like a liar, so he stopped saying them altogether. 

 

nights were spent wondering what was wrong with him, which part of him was so numb that it couldn’t even love those who loved him?

 

he felt angry at everything; himself, his parents, the world.

 

* * *

 

he was eighteen when he broke up with his girlfriend.

 

mental health reasons, he had told everyone.

 

which was partially true. 

 

tetsu knew he had to stop eventually, stop thinking that someone would ‘fix’ him. 

 

he knew that not everybody found love so young, that some had to wait til they’ve lived half their life, but tetsu had no wish to be alone. 

 

he hadn’t wanted people to think that he couldn’t love.

 

so he made up the perfect lie, hid all his insecurities behind a cool guy persona. he became the hopeless romantic, the good boyfriend, had done everything, anything, just to feel that spark within him. 

 

the spark had been the problem, he had known for a long time. because tetsu didn’t have loves, he had infatuations. he had a temporary attraction to people who started off like a fire; bright, hot, consuming every part of him.

 

and then there was nothing, it was a void in his heart. cold, unforgiving, empty, reminding him every moment that he would never be enough.

 

the voices in his head were merciless, murmuring stories of people who lived and died alone, who were always destined to end in a tragedy.

 

* * *

 

he was nineteen when his boyfriend broke up with him.

 

it hurts, he had said, hurts because you don’t love me anymore.

 

tetsu didn’t have the heart to tell him that he never had loved him.

 

they all left eventually. all because he was too broken, something so terribly wrong that he couldn’t love anyone, even in his own selfish way. 

 

he had felt more devastated than he ever had in years that night, kenma’s arms wrapped around him tightly, afraid that he would break apart. 

 

he had felt every inch of his twelve-year-old self, standing over a grave, feeling adrift, like a soldier came home from war, but his spirit left back there. 

 

( he had never been more grateful that despite all his flaws, kenma had stuck by his side, always been there when tetsu had needed them. )

 

love is a weakness, he had thought, young, foolish, and heartbroken.

 

* * *

 

he was twenty-two when he found out asexuality existed. 

 

* * *

 

he was twenty-five years old, the best man at bokuto’s wedding, when he saw the pure affection in akaashi’s eyes for his to-be-husband. 

 

so this is love, he had thought, heart in a grip that made him feel too much emotions at once.

 

it may have been his best friend’s wedding but it could have been the happiest day of his life, as he danced with any person he could find, stepped on kenma’s toes, got drunk, and gave the best damn best man speech.

 

he loved bokuto and he loved akaashi and he loved kenma and tetsu didn’t remember ever feeling this happy.

 

* * *

 

it had been months since the wedding when akaashi showed up at his apartment at late night, eyes puffy, voice scratchy, and had a panic attack.

 

admittedly, it was tetsu who had been more anxious.

 

how could this happen again after all this time? bokuto and akaashi had literally taught him how to love again. even they couldn’t, they couldn’t, they couldn’t.

 

akaashi had sat him down gently and told him in a firm, soft voice: that this was not the end, that things like this happened, that relationships were not perfect.

 

tetsu had, in return, told him about his childhood, growing up in a too busy, too empty household. talked about his asexuality, his problem with commitment and attachment, the bundle of trust issues that held him back.

 

akaashi had looked for a long time, but the stare hadn’t been judgemental, not horrified. it felt strangely fond, reminding him almost too much of his grandma.

 

he had grabbed tetsu’s hand in his own, smiled, and told him that love wasn’t necessarily a feeling. there were times when bokuto frustrated akaashi to a point where he couldn’t handle it, times where akaashi shut himself down in his work.

 

he had whispered about the bad nights, where they went to sleep angry, and the mornings that always followed, where they promised to talk about it. to work through it together. where they chose each other over everything else.

 

-

 

tetsu was twenty-six when he realised that every love story wasn’t perfect. when he had finally let go of the trauma he didn’t even know he had, realised he needed help, and let people in the deepest, dirtiest parts of him. 

 

and they had loved him even more than before. 

 

kenma had cried. they had looked at tetsu with teary eyes and in the smallest voice, that broke tetsu’s heart, had whispered: i finally got you back. 

 

tetsu had teared up and hugged them and bokuto had joined in, followed by akaashi, and then they were just crying men clinging to each other. 

 

oikawa had recommended him a therapist and after weeks of procrastinating and over thinking, tetsu had finally found himself outside the door, hands fidgeting. bokuto had given him a thumbs up and said: you’ve got this. 

 

he had inhaled sharply and entered the room.

 

* * *

 

tetsu was twenty-eight years old when he thought: yeah, i’m doing better than i ever have in my life.

 

however, nothing could have readied him for this. he looked back, meeting bokuto and akaashi’s eyes, both ready to dart at their hiding places.

 

he sighed, raised his hand to knock at the door—

 

only for it to open, tetsu’s hand falling to the side, bokuto to let out a huge, drawn-out fuck, akaashi to lightly apologise and drag him down the stairs. 

 

and for kenma to look at him, raising an eyebrow as if to ask him: what the heck?

 

he says: i’ve been looking for so long, i’ve found myself, i’ve found you. 

 

kenma exhales, shoulders sagging as if the weight of the world has finally been removed from them: i’ve waited for so long.

 

i’m sorry, i know.

 

i love you.

 

i love you too.

 

tetsu’s world seems at peace now, the voices disappearing, his blood singing melodies of only the love he has found in the family he’s made all along.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i’m sorry because this is just. very messy. my life is just a lot right now.
> 
> anyway, you can find me on my tumblr! it’s chaoticgaydumbass. i know, nice name.


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